Meeting The Needs Of Your Business
Aligned with Corporate and Department Strategies
Use Cases Include:
Drive Digital Transformation Initiatives
Support Organizational Change Ensuring Success
Create a Personalized Experience, Drive Adoption and Increase Revenue
Uncover Insights from Multiple Systems
Organize, Track and Secure Business Assets
We take a deeper dive into each use case in our objectives e-book. Download your copy to learn more!
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FIND OUT WHY ALL OF THESE GREAT COMPANIES HAVE CHOSEN US AS THEIR SOLUTION
Designed to Create Positive Outcomes
Helping organizations leverage and encourage the consumption of information.
Customer Success
We've helped customers increase adoption by 90%
Isn’t the Market-ization of These Ruinous Relics Just a Passing Fad?
You may have already been worn out by the internet hype machine’s incessant droning-on about how these objects, which have razed cities to the ground and corrupted the minds and hearts innumerable kings and queens over the course of human history, can be used to bring more leads into your funnel.
And it’s true. Relic-based marketing is the Latest Big Thing. But it will continue to be a Big Thing well into the future, and even into the past, since the power of such an artifact is unconstrained by time and space, nor any of the other mere laws that hold our universe together.
Most marketers know only how to summon the object’s Power. But they know not how to summon its All-Seeing Terrors, its Spires of Unending Flame, its Conversion-Rate Enhancing Algorithms.
You will learn all of these things and more in this course. Or else.
Nancy’s Business FLOURISHED Thanks to Her Own Fragment of the Damned
Nancy’s Flower Shop was in some seriously dire straits! Her next-day flower delivery service wasn’t getting the online traction it needed. Just as she was beginning to run out of rope, a one-eyed fragment of incredible might materialized in her sink.
“With my own ancient antiquity in hand, new customers began to appear overnight! I couldn’t keep up with the orders! That’s mostly because I was really slowed down by the fact that they all communicated in an ancient script, the very appearance of which fills me with a subtle terror. But my gosh, the sales!”
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How to Obtain Such an Artifact
Ready to get started, yet not currently in possession of an object that can summon the forces that wait beyond The Wall Which Must Never Be Breached? It’s not like you can just grab one at the convenience store, after all!
One of our in-house Artifact Arbiters would be happy to help you organize a guided expedition to the Forgotten Ruins of the Howling Hands, where these incomprehensible heirlooms may be unearthed. Alternatively, CostCo has them in 4-packs for $19.99.
The “NOW YOU’RE MARKETING WITH (INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS) POWER” Course:
A 5-day Guide to Controlling What Cannot be Controlled
No matter how hard I try, no matter how much might I muster, I cannot exhaust the Spire of Unending Flame.
Well, yeah. It’s unending.
Q
Frequently Asked Questions
Jess Jaunty
Current content marketer,
soon-to-be Incarnation of Seething Despair
I’m just thrilled with the results my relic has produced. Not only has it generated a ton of new business, it’s enabled me to completely obliterate my competition. Literally! Ha ha ha ha!
Eric Enigma
Custom Tortoiseshell PC Case Crafstman
I knew that this memento of bygone darkness could be used to unlock incredible marketing potential, but I wasn’t prepared for just how effective it is! No, really. I wasn’t. I’m still not.
Day 1
Setting Up Your Brand New Relic of Imbued Evil
Day 2
Hushing the Murmurs That Do Not Cease
Day 3
Integrating with Marketo
Day 4
Productivity Tips For You and Your New Pet
Day 5
Email Marketing! And the Endless Void That Awaits
Q
Q
A
A
A
My accursed artifact is emitting an incessant, loud hymming, as if a plague of locusts was approaching.
This means the Marketo integration was successful.
Are there any risks to using an object that is saturated with several millennia's worth of sorrows for marketing purposes?
Not really! Accursed artifacts are a sound investment that will reliably increase both the number of leads and their quality. There are some minor issues — for example, temporary or permanent separation of the soul and body — but these can be corrected by installing a custom firmware.
What industry experts are saying about
ARTIFACT-ORIENTED MARKETING
START MARKETING WITH (INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS) POWER TODAY
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We keep the oath. And so do They.
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